Learning to Trust

I’m feeling a quiet confidence these days. It feels kind of weird and different, but also …  right. 

I used to second-guess myself a lot. I would start a project, then worry I couldn’t do it. I would procrastinate, and hate myself for it. When I finally started I would judge the quality of my work, the choices I was making, what others would think of it.

Once when I was berating myself for procrastinating, a small but determined voice inside of me piped up: “But you always get things done!” 

I had to admit, it was true. I realized there’s a part of me that knows exactly what I’m doing. I know just how much I can procrastinate and still meet the deadline with minutes to spare. I may torture myself along the way, but I do keep my commitments.

So I decided to foster that part of me that keeps me on the right path, the part that really does know what I’m doing. The part that I can trust.

“I trust myself.”

That’s the affirmation I landed on. I wasn’t sure I believed it, but I went with it anyway. Whenever I noticed self-hate or doubt, I told myself “I trust myself.” Several times a day, for days, weeks, months. 

Of course, it didn’t magically change how I felt overnight. Sometimes that scared, hurt part of me would protest: “No I do NOT!”

When that happened I learned it was best not to argue. I would simply put my hands over my heart and send myself some love and tenderness, until that part of me calmed down. And then repeat “I trust myself.”

Over time “I trust myself” began to feel like the truth.

That experiment was a few years ago. I don’t use the affirmation regularly anymore, but it did its job. These days, I don’t spend much time second-guessing myself. I have confidence and faith in my process as I write. 

I feel aligned, and clear. On the right path.

I feel like I’ve finally come home.