Stop Saying STOP!

This particular battle, like the road to hell, started with the best of intentions. I wanted the kids to stand up for themselves and learn to resolve their own arguments. “If Otto is doing something you don’t like,” I repeatedly coached 7-year old E

This particular battle, like the road to hell, started with the best of intentions. I wanted the kids to stand up for themselves and learn to resolve their own arguments. “If Otto is doing something you don’t like,” I repeatedly coached 7-year old Etta, when she ran to me with a complaint, “tell him so. Ask him to stop.” I would smugly turn back to the dishes, congratulating myself on my astute parenting. I was the kind of smart, in-the-know mom who avoided becoming the kids’ referee. Pretty darn brilliant of me.

Until it turned into this:

STOP IT OTTO! STOP LIP SYNCHING! STOP PETTING SNOWY LIKE THAT! STOP USING MY PENCIL! STOP SMILING AT ME! STOP TAPPING YOUR FOOT! STOP HUMMING! STOP BREATHING SO LOUD! STOP IT OTTO STOOOOOOPPPPPPP!

My sage advice had backfired, big time.

And of course Etta wasn’t the only one yelling STOP. Otto wasted no time retaliating. “Etta, stop talking to me. Etta, stop, it’s my turn for Alexa, ETTA, STOP SAYING STOP!”

“You stop it.” “No, YOU stop it.” “I said stop it first.” “No I did!” “Just STOP!” “NO YOU STOP!!”

Oh. My. God.

I “reasoned” with both the 7-year old and 11-year old. I explained the difference between “stop hitting me” (legitimate) and “your very existence deeply offends me” (not legitimate.) No luck, no change in behavior.

The rest of my usual parenting strategies also failed. After one particularly harrowing afternoon when both kids were yelling STOP at each other, well … non-stop, I knew something had to change. But how?

Etta was the main instigator. I figured if I could get her to knock it off, the battle would be won.

A random quote from one of those parenting articles I was always reading popped into my head. “Parent your children based on their particular unique characteristics and motivations,” the author advised.

Ok, let’s see. Etta’s unique characteristics: determined, stubborn, bright, curious. Thrives on being competent and mastering new skills. Fascinated by how things work. Has a strong desire to control her environment. Jealous of Otto. Motivations: attention, candy, sparkly pink things. Being in charge and learning something new.

I felt like a general on the battlefield, planning for a particularly tricky engagement with a pint-sized but powerful opponent.

The next morning, Otto was still asleep when Etta and I sat down to breakfast. As she heaped a pile of chocolate chip pancakes on her plate, I casually announced that I was going to teach her about her brain. She immediately sat up straight, eyes wide and alert. “Just teach ME”, she demanded. “Not Otto.” Aha! So far so good.

I quickly drew a rough sketch of a brain on a piece of scrap paper and started telling her about neuroplasticity, her brain’s amazing ability to adapt and change. She was all ears as I drew squiggly lines to represent neural pathways that become thicker with repetition of a skill. “This path is learning to ride your bike.” The line became wider as I repeatedly ran my pencil over it. “This path is brushing your teeth.”

Etta grabbed another pencil and joined in. “This path is eating breakfast!” she shouted. “And this one is playing fetch with Snowy!”

“That’s right!” I exclaimed. I paused for dramatic effect, and then went in for the kill. “And this one,” I said pointedly, drawing a heavy, thick, line, “is the pattern you have of saying STOP to Otto all the time.”

She grew quiet. Thoughtful.

“The more you say STOP, the stronger that path gets,” I went on. ““But here’s the thing — when you tell Otto to stop, you’re trying to control him. And that doesn’t work.

“But what DOES work … controlling your own brain! You can actually be in charge of your brain and make it form new neural pathways!” I drew a new line branching out and away from the old one. “You know how? By choosing to do something different!

“So …. can you think of something different you can do the next time you feel like yelling STOP at Otto?”

I held my breath. Was she going to go for it?

“Okay Mama,” she offered, “when Otto irritates me, I’ll ignore him instead of saying stop.”

Woohoo! Happy dance! But would she actually do it?

Miraculously, true to her word, instead of yelling STOP when Otto got on her nerves, Etta studiously ignored him. And since Etta was leaving Otto in peace, he soon followed suit.

It’s been a few months now, and “STOP IT OTTO” “NO YOU STOP IT ETTA!” is mostly a thing of the past.

I say mostly. Because old habits die hard. Yesterday I cringed when I heard Etta yelling STOP at Otto for some unknown transgression. “Remember neuroplasticity?” I asked. She rolled her eyes at me, but some time later, quietly handed me a drawing entitled “neuro plastisidy”. It was a picture of herself, with two neural pathways. One was labeled “fiting old” (fighting, old) and the other was labeled “cam new” (calm, new). And, the icing on the cake—”I love you.”

It’s usually hard for me to acknowledge when I have a brilliant parenting moment, but I’ll go ahead and say it--I’m quite proud of myself for this one. New neural pathways all around!